Wednesday, April 9, 2008

All About Me...?

OK, so apparently when you hit 100 posts you are supposed to do a "100 things about me" post. Are they SERIOUS?!?!?! 100 things about ME? Now, I ask you - who would ever be entertained, intrigued or even remotely interested in THAT?
Don't worry, I won't do that to you. I know, I am probably breaking some bloggy law and the bloggy authorities will be here any minute to pick me up and take me away.

I will miss you all.

On another note, I have something on my heart that I am trying to put into words...
The other day Abby, a sweet Siesta (who is beautiful and wise beyond her years) wrote THIS POST and, seriously, it brought me to my knees. It hit me for a couple of reasons...

... I have been there. That place where, on a journey toward a better life/self/relationship/etc., things get rough before they get better. On one hand you KNOW that life on the other side will be a better place than the one left behind. But on the other hand, the "getting there" is H*A*R*D!!!! From where you sit you wonder if it is worth what you are going through to get there. And, at times, you wonder if you will survive the journey and get there at all.
I know from experience that any work that God begins in you is worth it. I know - because He promised in His Word - that He will complete that good work in me. He is faithful and will not leave it half done. But sometimes you find yourself in the middle wondering if it really was HIM that began the work in the first place!
Like I said, I have been there. And I know that, in the end, it IS worth it. And after all is said and done, the journey - from the other side - doesn't look THAT bad. And THAT knowledge is what I have to rest in right now.
Now if it was ME embarking on the journey it wouldn't be so scary. But it's not me. It is Hattie. And THAT is scary. Even in the knowing. And that is where we come to the second reason Abby's post has me on my face in prayer!

We have been facing a lot of things with Hattie the last few months. Is she autistic or not? Does she need to be in a more intense program or not? Can we help her or not? And, let me tell you, as her parent it IS scary. I can be brave enough to follow God for me - even if I know it may hurt on the way. But can I be brave for her, knowing that she is the one that will feel the pain? I pray that I can, because I truly feel that this is what God has in store for her.
See, God has led us to a speech therapist and through this therapy we are hopeful - and prayerful - that she can find her voice. But there are going to have to be a lot of broken down walls. A lot of barriers torn through. A lot of self defense instincts curbed and behaviors relearned. It will be hard enough as her mommy to learn what I have to do. But how can I watch her hurt in the meantime? And how can I be the source of some of that pain when I can't explain to her that it is for her own good? God help me, am I that strong?

I KNOW in my heart that God has brought us this far. I know that this is His will - I have prayed and prayed and ALL of this just fell into our laps so "God like" and with His fingerprints ALL OVER IT!! It has to be Him! I am sure of it. If it was just me I would say "bring it"! But it isn't me. It's Hattie. And for her, I would take the pain away long before I would lead her into it's path. But this is one of those pains that HAS to come to take away a greater and longer lasting pain in the future. So, please pray that I can be brave - for her. Please pray that Hattie can handle it and that she comes through the other side with an understanding of how VERY MUCH I love her. And even more important, how much GOD loves her!

I am coveting your prayers so very much right now. Any ideas or words of advice would be so much more than welcome.
I love you my fRamily and siestas! Thanks for listening (or, ya know - reading!!)and thanks, in advance, for your prayers!

2 of ya left some love:

Cheri said...

I'm praying for you during this time. Our God is an awesome God- and don't forget that Jesus is a man of prayer too. He is praying for you as well!

Love to you, Cheri

Jenn said...

Beck- you can't be brave if you are not scared!
You are strong and you will get through this, so will Hattie.